Only Time Will Tell

I've been feeling off the past few days, really bad cramping the last 2 days and then today just feeling rough around the edges. I actually feel as if I'm pregnant but I don't want to think that or to give myself ideas. Even writing this I feel like I'm setting myself up for a fall, that by writing this I'm somehow going to "jinx" it or "undo" something... I don't even believe in jinxing!! I'm only maybe 4 or 5 days past ovulation and that's a total guess and especially as the baby-making has only been once this month because of everything going on recently the chances seem so slim but then Batman was conceived on a "one off".

I got really angry with Panda on Tuesday and told her off more times that I probably needed to and have generally been a lot more irritable than usual. Most people would probably say "Oh it's just PMS" but not only does PMS not affect me this way but I'm not even due my period for another 10 days [ish] so it just doesn't make sense.

I think the biggest sign, which is unusual for most people, is that my ears have been going nuts. I have my ears stretched and every time I've been pregnant they seem to play up, getting itchy and weepy.

I would love to say I'm pregnant again but I guess only time will tell!!

Never-Ending Story

Sometimes it just seems like I can't catch a break. The hospital phoned this morning to say that Batman's immunoglobulin blood tests, that were done because of the repeated staphylococcus infections, came back and that there are abnormalities with it. We now have further blood tests, when I said we I mean my poor baby boy has to have more blood taken, next week.

The weekend was a mixture of fun and stress with Panda's 3rd birthday party on Sunday. I had the joy of running round trying to get all the balloons and Hello Kitty party supplies at the last minute. Fortunately Sainsbury's had everything I needed including this fabulous Hello Kitty birthday cake.

I even managed to get helium-filled balloons, from Clinton Cards, which had "3" written all over them! Panda just loved them and had them all pulled round the room. She was totally spoilt for things to do, especially as our friend's little girl was there too, and she was just running crazy all day!

Home, Sweet Home

Finally we are home!! I honestly never thought it could be so wonderful to just sit on the sofa and drink a cup of tea in peace!

Batman was finally released from hospital although he has to go back for a review appointment to find out about his immunodeficiency blood results to see if we can find out what has been causing the repeated infections. Today's doctor said it was either streptococcus or staphylococcus but without blood results it was impossible to tell. I just don't want to end up back there in a couple of months to watch my poor baby boy having to have another line in to make him better again.

To try and take my mind off things the last few weeks I've been crocheting a shawl, I already had some beautiful alpaca wool which I bought in I Knit London a number of years ago.

I'm crocheting the Vera Shawl which has a beautiful wave-like pattern in it. Unfortunately you can't see it terribly well as I haven't finished mine but when it's blocked it should show up better.

I'm looking forward to see the finished piece!

I Carry Your Heart

She passed on Monday 27th February at 22:40, my amazing Nana that is. She's finally gone, leaving the family with only memories to warm our hearts. In some ways I'm glad because I know she won't be suffering anymore and that she's free from pain and distress forever.

The funeral was today, it was hard... really hard. I didn't think it would be as difficult as it was. It probably wasn't helped by the fact that Batman was admitted into hospital last night with another staphylococcus infection. It's the 3rd he's had in his short, 7 month, life. He was out of sorts all day yesterday and running a fever of 39 degrees but we'd put it down to teething initially. Then last night we had the projectile vomiting and as I striped him I noticed the familiar scalded skin under his arm so we brought him to A&E at midnight. He was finally on the ward and settled, after having a line put in for IV antibiotics and to take blood, at 5am. That meant a couple of hrs of restless sleep before heading to the funeral home.

I was glad I'd had the chance to see Nana resting yesterday and give her a goodbye kiss, even Panda had gone in with me and given her a kiss "to make her all better mummy".

The funeral today was packed, I didn't even recognise a lot of the people there. It was so just like my Nana to have touched so many hearts. The service was lovely, even though I was wearing yesterday's clothes and hadn't even had a chance (or a brush) to brush my hair. I know Nana would have been happy I was there regardless.

It's strange that she's been gone for such a short time yet I miss her so much already.

Bring Back The Good Days

It's been a really hard week, after my wonderful nana being diagnosed with a brain tumour on February 12th things have quickly deteriorated. We thought when the lung cancer was diagnosed on January 13th that we had months with her so to find out we has so much less time hit the whole family hard. We've nearly all been living at the hospital this week, I've miss my Kidlets but I know that this is my last moments with my nana so I'm making the most of it. We nearly lost her a number of times on Tuesday when her breathing slowed and she was taking 45 seconds between breaths. We cried a lot and held hands around her bed. She repeatedly asked us to read the 23rd Psalm which was comforting to us all. She surprised us by suddenly taking a turn for the better and made jokes and had us all laughing. Through the silence and somber moments she shouted out "I'm still here!" before informing us that when she raised her left arm in the air that we'd know she was still with us and when she stopped putting her arm up that she had gone. Through the evening and night she repeatedly raised her arm in the moments when we were getting more upset and had us all in fits of laughter. It somehow seems odd that the amazing women that was lying in the hospital bed surrounded by her family was the one still holding us all together and giving us those precious moments of joy. She also informed Babs (my cousin) that she owed her £10 and told my auntie to make sure it was returned. She then questioned my uncle as to whether he had got his TV licence sorted in his new flat and explained how much he'd be fined before making him promise to sort it!

I was blessed to bring my Kidlets to see nana on Monday and she was still well enough to hold Batman and have Panda sit next to her on the bed. The photos I took are something I will treasure forever.

There have been so many tears shed and so many belly laughs that this week has been topsy turvy. I hate seeing, my nana, the most dignified of women being left in a state where she needs her personal care carried out by others. It's upsetting because I *know* how much she would absolutely hate it.

We didn't think there would be any way she'd still be with us on Wednesday let alone still here today! She's a fighter, a strong women who has not only taught us all so much over the years but also taught us a lot over the past few days.

I look forward to her leaving us and going home, to heaven, knowing I will see her again some day. Knowing that my nana and grandad are there waiting for the day when we are reunited.

My Dear Valentine

I thought when I arrived home from visiting my Nana in hospital that a cup of tea [at the very least!] would be waiting for me. Unfortunately I returned home to making my own tea, getting my daughter's dinner ready and cuddling my crying baby as C "just wanted to sit down for 5 mins" *rolls eyes*

On the plus side he'd heard me yesterday saying it didn't matter that we'd no money for him to get me a card because he could make one, and he did! Complete with a poem inside, which he'd written himself, so I really can't complain too much huh?